IE Outfoxxxed
The recent release of Firefox 1.0 has sent shockwaves through the small community of nerds that tracks this Netscape/Mozilla-based standalone browser. Techno-pundits far and wide, including in the Washington Post and the New York Times, and bloggers have endorsed the browser as not only an alternative to Microsoft's Internet Explorer, but as, quite frankly, a superior product. This release of Firefox is certain to raise awareness of the benefits of open-source software and invigorate grassroots alternatives to monopolistic corporations. But one question remains to be answered:
Will Firefox help you get more sex?
By the names alone, Firefox seems to have a definite advantage over Internet Explorer. Sleek and alliterative, Firefox suggests both the heat of passion ("fire-") and the sensuousness of a beautiful woman ("-fox"). Internet Explorer, while functional and descriptive, paradoxically conjures no sense of adventure or romance, despite its couched reference to the early 16th century navigator Domingo Vericelli. To utter "Firefox" when describing your web browsing is to speak in a language of mystery and mythology - but "Internet Explorer" can no longer be spoken except in a monotonal, robotic voice. Like robots, those who use Internet Explorer must feel devoid of meaning and emotion, from time to time.
Firefox evolved from the alpha release Firebird, who's iconography connoted the mythical phoenix, a bird who's immolation is prequel to an ashen rebirth. Many scholars have suggested that, as the release date for Mozilla Foundation's browser drew nigh, Firebird was no longer an appropriate symbolic matrix: the browser may have been born of the ashes of Netscape Navigator and Mozilla, both of which perished during the browser wars of the 1990s, but its core implementation plan was to slip below the radar of Microsoft, cultivate a following among progressive internet users, and outmaneuver the software giant when it came to browsing experience and security. Thus was born the lithe, nubile moniker Firefox.
Those who adopted Firebird, and subsequently Firefox, early on, were perhaps not the best candidates for a sustained study of the relationship between sexual activity and browsing platform. With over 90% of the market in hand, Internet Explorer was, by the numbers, bound to have adherents with more active personal lives than those who, huddled amidst empty cellophane Cheetos bags, sequestered themselves more and more in the process of programming extensions, designing customized application "skins", and eagerly scanning the web for pictures of Anna Kournikova. And yet, with the release of 1.0 and the concurrent rise of geek-chic icons like The OC's Seth Cohen, those programmers are, evidently, finding themselves flooded with more tail than they know what to do with. Scott Wizniewski, of Palo Alto, CA, responsible for the popular FireNova skin, has recently commented that fans of his work were "calling [him] up and asking for hot sex." While Wizniewski declined most of the offers, he nonetheless leaped to the top of his apartment's "Lovemeter", a whiteboard that tracks sexual encounters for each of his roommates.
Those who continue to use Internet Explorer are being dumped at an alarming rate, according to the Atlanta Sentinel, by "security-conscious" partners. "We live in a perilous age, with Islamic fundamentalism on the rise, civil liberties under attack, and the threat of terrorism, or at least terrorist alerts, everyday. I think we are observing a cultural trend toward greater security and greater control in all aspects of daily life, including web browsing," said cyber-security expert Linda Harmon.
"The general feeling is that sexual partners who use Internet Explorer may not only be infected by computer viruses," she added.
Will Firefox help you get more sex?
By the names alone, Firefox seems to have a definite advantage over Internet Explorer. Sleek and alliterative, Firefox suggests both the heat of passion ("fire-") and the sensuousness of a beautiful woman ("-fox"). Internet Explorer, while functional and descriptive, paradoxically conjures no sense of adventure or romance, despite its couched reference to the early 16th century navigator Domingo Vericelli. To utter "Firefox" when describing your web browsing is to speak in a language of mystery and mythology - but "Internet Explorer" can no longer be spoken except in a monotonal, robotic voice. Like robots, those who use Internet Explorer must feel devoid of meaning and emotion, from time to time.
Firefox evolved from the alpha release Firebird, who's iconography connoted the mythical phoenix, a bird who's immolation is prequel to an ashen rebirth. Many scholars have suggested that, as the release date for Mozilla Foundation's browser drew nigh, Firebird was no longer an appropriate symbolic matrix: the browser may have been born of the ashes of Netscape Navigator and Mozilla, both of which perished during the browser wars of the 1990s, but its core implementation plan was to slip below the radar of Microsoft, cultivate a following among progressive internet users, and outmaneuver the software giant when it came to browsing experience and security. Thus was born the lithe, nubile moniker Firefox.
Those who adopted Firebird, and subsequently Firefox, early on, were perhaps not the best candidates for a sustained study of the relationship between sexual activity and browsing platform. With over 90% of the market in hand, Internet Explorer was, by the numbers, bound to have adherents with more active personal lives than those who, huddled amidst empty cellophane Cheetos bags, sequestered themselves more and more in the process of programming extensions, designing customized application "skins", and eagerly scanning the web for pictures of Anna Kournikova. And yet, with the release of 1.0 and the concurrent rise of geek-chic icons like The OC's Seth Cohen, those programmers are, evidently, finding themselves flooded with more tail than they know what to do with. Scott Wizniewski, of Palo Alto, CA, responsible for the popular FireNova skin, has recently commented that fans of his work were "calling [him] up and asking for hot sex." While Wizniewski declined most of the offers, he nonetheless leaped to the top of his apartment's "Lovemeter", a whiteboard that tracks sexual encounters for each of his roommates.
Those who continue to use Internet Explorer are being dumped at an alarming rate, according to the Atlanta Sentinel, by "security-conscious" partners. "We live in a perilous age, with Islamic fundamentalism on the rise, civil liberties under attack, and the threat of terrorism, or at least terrorist alerts, everyday. I think we are observing a cultural trend toward greater security and greater control in all aspects of daily life, including web browsing," said cyber-security expert Linda Harmon.
"The general feeling is that sexual partners who use Internet Explorer may not only be infected by computer viruses," she added.
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posted by Jon at 2:33 PM
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